


CDLVIII.

by Ex-Genesis (SevlinRipley)



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: 1950s, Angst, M/M, Open Relationships, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 21:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13467348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevlinRipley/pseuds/Ex-Genesis
Summary: Maybe he's punishing himself. Maybe he's punishing Dean, too. Maybe they deserve it.





	CDLVIII.

"Sometimes you're such a fool." Jerry wants to question Dean's use of 'sometimes' but he'd only be making himself look worse for it. He's well aware he's foolish, thank you. Dean must be referring to something in particular, however. As that's usually the case. Tightening his grip on Jerry's lapels, he pulls him closer. Nearly nose to nose. "Don't you agree?"

Nodding, Jerry eyes Dean, cautious but honest.

"Did you get jealous again?" Dean asks him, low, a hint of amusement tugging at his lips.

Oh, that. Of course. Jerry's cheeks grow warm, and he looks off to the side, pulling back from Dean's grip. He's used to this hold, and it's not something he wriggles out of frequently. But embarrassment makes him uncomfortable. He hates when Dean catches him like this.

So maybe Jerry couldn't play off like he'd had a valid reason for vetoing that girls casting in their next movie. She was Dean's type, and even though he knew if not her, someone else, he still couldn't stand the idea of having to play nice for months on end. Knowing all the while that he couldn't spend the on-set down-time with Dean if she got the idea Dean liked having her around. Not, of course, because Dean wouldn't want him around, but because they'd have to play everything down for her.

He didn't like it; sue him.

Dean doesn't let Jerry out of his grip, and manages to hold him close without destroying Jerry's jacket. Well, Jerry hopes, anyhow. " _Jerry_ ," Dean says, in that warning voice. "That's a human being's career we're talkin' about."

"Look, I _know_. And I'm sorry but she'll find somethin' else, Dean. They always do."

"Always? We're fortune-tellers now?" Then as Jerry's words sink in, Dean cocks his head, eyebrow dipping. "Excuse me. 'They'?"

Right, huh. Jerry did get away with it a couple times before. Must've been why he thought he could do it this time too. Guess this girl really did fit the part, to have caught Dean's notice. "Only a couple," Jerry says, eyes still finding interest in the coffee stain on the wall at Dean's back, where it'd slopped out and missed the back-splash. Sometimes he got like that. Violent with his pouring when his head would be hammering and his hand cramping from writing late at night.

Jerry brings his lips together when he realizes Dean's grip has lessened on its own, and he's shaking his head. Disappointment radiating from the slope of his shoulders. Leave it to Jerry to look back at Dean just as his attention wanes. To fiercely want Dean to hold him tight the second he lets go.

"You can't do this, Jer. I've told ya, you can't. It looks bad on us."

Reluctantly, Jerry backs up into the round edge of the kitchen table, grips it backwards with his hands. Nodding, he acknowledges the previous conversations they've had regarding his behavior toward the women Dean sees. It's for them, he knows. And Jerry sees 'em from time to time too. Maybe if not for the fact he was so busy with his stand-up, and Dean was so busy in the recording studios and doing gigs - maybe they wouldn't seem to monopolize so much of his time.

Maybe it'd feel like their promise meant more, and Jerry could stop feeling possessive.

Scratching at the back of his neck, Jerry swallows, then says, "I'm sorry."

"No you're not," Dean says, almost laughing. Jerry shakes his head. No, he's not. He never will be, either. With a sudden fidget, Dean swings toward the sink, shoulders hunched. "You know I love you."

"I know," Jerry says, throat tightening unexpectedly around the words. He's worried he doesn't mean it as much as he wants to.

Dean must be, too, because suddenly his hands are on Jerry's throat, and he's looking deep into Jerry's eyes, completely in his space. " _Hey_." Jerry blinks, tries not to feel stupid when his vision swims for a moment. Forces himself to look back at Dean, as he licks out at his lips with his nerves on fire. And he's shaking. Dean smooths his hands down Jerry's neck, down his shoulders, and back. Trying to soothe him. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't. " _I love you_."

Jerry nods, with force, biting the inside of his lower lip. Yeah. Dean loves him. But.

He hates it here. In this age. Where everyone has to hide who they really are. He's so tired of it that he sometimes feels an ache throughout his entire body. Threatening never to leave him again. To stay with him, until it's the last thing he remembers, the last thing he ever knows how to feel. It's sick.

There are phrases that often spring to mind. He wants to say, 'Let's do something about it. Let's make a difference, you and me.' Do it together, Dean and Jerry, and just tell everyone that they - that they're _them_. But what scares him even more than failing to force acceptance. Terrifies him more than the idea of ending his career, and giving up what he loves doing the most. Maybe giving up ever having a steady job again, if the world is as cruel as it seems...

What keeps him awake in the middle of the night as if caught in a fever dream he can't hurt himself enough to wake up from... Is that it's all just been an excuse from the beginning. The whole spiel where they're committed to each other, but date and sometimes even get married to keep their reputations up... It's just a reason for Dean to be with other people.

And Jerry doesn't want to believe that, obviously. Should be able to trust Dean enough to banish that thought completely.

But the truth is: Jerry's scared. Frightened to his core. And it feeds the jealousy, and leads to anger... Makes his personality split down the middle until he's acting as a person he, himself, doesn't recognize. Cavalier. Reckless with other's emotions and maybe even their lives, sometimes.

Dean's right. He is a fool.

Jerry wonders if he means it in more ways than the obvious. A betrayal of a thought that piques at the worst moments. Moments Jerry should be clinging back, accepting Dean's love and affections without qualm.

Like right here, right now. In this moment.

In this _kind_ of moment, where he always ends up forcing himself to say, "Yeah. Yeah, I love you too." With a dopey smile that doesn't reach his eyes. And to make sure Dean doesn't see, he has to hug him close, or distract him with kissing. Jerry means it; he does. But as sincere as Dean ever is, his words always sound more like a threat than a decision. Something lorded over Jerry that could be taken away at any minute.

He must not be a very good person. To have these kinds of thoughts. To still be willing to hurt other people for their relationship when his faith has fallen short. But as long as Dean accepts it for what it is, there's no way in hell Jerry's going to let go. Even if that's exactly what it is.

Hell.

**Author's Note:**

> Let's pretend together that this fic didn't happen. Because... what the fuck. I just finished watching _You're Never Too Young_ , and instead of writing happy 'love you' fic, this happened and what the actual fuck is wrong with me; I fucking can't.


End file.
